


Gunpowder

by pineapplesandcanopeners



Category: Graceland (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Undercover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-04-02 07:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4051246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pineapplesandcanopeners/pseuds/pineapplesandcanopeners
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It always gets complicated when you mix feelings with work. Always.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It’s like they could smell it on you.

That’s why he was sunk from the moment he met Carlito. Johnny wasn’t just another straight boy for him to have a crush on. He was a guy who had _feelings_ before.

And when Carlito pressed his face against Johnny’s that first time, he knew… Johnny knew that Carlito knew that when Briggs and Charlie had joked about a threesome, it was the thought of Briggs that got Johnny’s stomach tied into nervous knots.

And on the ride back to Graceland he finally realized why being the one who was always there by his side, even if he wasn’t the one he trusted most, or second most, or even third, was the thing that he had been clinging onto for far too long.

So sure, he could tell everyone that the reason he was hesitant to pretend to be interested in Carlito was because it would be too hard, but maybe it was because it would be too hard to stop at just pretending.

He barely even knew Carlito, but when you share a moment that intimate with someone, there’s no way you can say you’re not sure if you could ever feel something. You either know you can’t or you know you could.

And he knew. He knew as soon as he was sure Carlito wasn’t going to kill him for what he did, because his heart didn’t stop racing. It just changed from terror to something else.


	2. Chapter 2

He smelled like cologne, and musky sweat, and the slightest hint of alcohol.

It was all the things Johnny spent years pretending he didn’t notice on Briggs. But he’d never been that close before. It just lingered in his nose, and he wanted to shake it out so bad.

He also smelled gunpowder.

That wasn’t real though. You don’t smell the gunpowder if it hasn’t been fired. But even though Johnny knew for sure that Carlito wouldn’t kill him, because there was too much want and confusion coursing through his veins, there was a split second where he was also sure that Carlito had pulled the trigger and in another moment he would be dead.

The barrel of the gun felt cold on his lips, especially compared to his throbbing temple and the small trickle of blood he was praying wouldn’t get any bigger. He didn’t need to worry about getting stitched up on top of everything else.

But it worked. It worked and Carlito was kissing him and it felt way too real. It was only seconds but it felt so much longer, and Carlito smelled like no one he’d ever kissed before.

It was all pretend. All a lie. Lying to Carlito that he wanted this, and lying to himself that he didn’t.

But it was a lie he’d have to keep up, because it got him what he wanted. He had Carlito wrapped around his finger now, doing something he would never do if Johnny hadn’t asked. He wanted to feel relieved as Carlito walked away but instead everything ached, not just his head.

He needed a shower. Or fresh air. Anything to make the world smell normal again.


	3. Chapter 3

_Lauren was gone for good._

_First Donnie, and now Lauren. It wasn’t right._

_Graceland wasn’t supposed to change. It was supposed to be their rock that they could cling to when they felt like they were floating away. And Johnny could handle the waves better than anyone else, better than Briggs and Jakes at least, but he still felt like he was drowning sometimes._

_And as much as he liked Mike and the way that damn teddy bear story put a smile on Briggs’ face that he hadn’t seen in ages, he couldn’t help but wish that everything could be normal again._

_Briggs was acting… not like himself. Which in a sense was very Briggs-like. It was hard to say exactly what “himself” was when it came to Briggs. But he definitely wasn’t handling any of this the way Johnny expected him to._

_They were all going out to the beach to drink away all the shit of the day, but Briggs didn’t look like he was going to leave his room._

_But Briggs loved Lauren. Loved looking out for her, and worrying about her, so he should have cared more than anyone._

_Johnny called out to him as he “happened” to walk past his room. “You coming down or what? I really need a drink after what happened to Lauren.” But Briggs didn’t respond. “Yo, Briggs. Don’t you care?”_

_“It’s for the best.” Briggs didn’t even look up as he said it._

_Johnny shook his head. “Damn, that’s cold.”_

_Then Briggs looked him dead in the eyes and it suddenly felt way too serious. Johnny was never good with that stuff, and he always preferred zen-surfer-doesn’t-have-a-care-in-the-world Briggs to I’ve-seen-more-shit-than-everyone-in-this-house-combined Briggs. “She almost burned Graceland. You could have died.”_

_Johnny shrugged. “But I didn’t. Shit happens, man. It’s alright.”_

_“No, it’s not alright, Johnny.”_

_He wasn’t sure he believed him. But it had to be alright, right? Because he was alive and Graceland wasn’t burned and Briggs was still there beside him, and that mattered more than anything. Even more than Lauren._

_Still, when he was lying in bed that night, he couldn’t help but hear the words “You could have died,” playing over and over in his head. The more he heard it, the more it felt like it was actually important. Like Briggs actually cared and maybe that was the thing that made him feel like Lauren deserved to leave. Like Johnny mattered to him more than having this house did. But he knew better. Graceland’s family, and that was all it was._


	4. Chapter 4

He hadn’t wanted Carlito to run off.

Part of him, the fed part, the part that wanted _so badly_ to be good at his job, really needed Carlito to stay and do something rash in response to the whole bus situation so they could arrest him and Johnny could move on. He just really wanted to nail Carlito… poor choice of words, but it was true.

He wasn’t sure if that was all, though. He hoped it was, but maybe there was a part of him that wanted Carlito to stay so he could be around him.

Carlito was like fire. Johnny would have said that about Briggs before, and he still could, but it was different. Briggs was like a bonfire on the beach. A little dangerous, and you could really feel it if you got too close, but mostly just warm and nice to be around. Carlito was that times a thousand. He was like a forest fire. Or an explosion, because he had heat but he was fast and violent too. Johnny should have been terrified of him, and fuck, he was… but he was still unlike anyone Johnny had ever met before, and he just had to know more.

It didn’t matter, though, because Carlito left. Which should have made things easier, but “should have” was never how it worked anymore.

Instead there was Mike’s leak, and Jakes being arrested, and Paige getting kidnapped and Thank God coming back to them though not the same anymore. And there was Lucia.

Maybe when he started, when he first told Lucia he wasn’t gay, it was because he needed to give himself a reason to not have feelings for Carlito. It would have been easier for her to know what they did in that back room, so she wouldn’t have any questions about what he was doing with him. But she couldn’t know the truth. He needed something to keep him from falling too far.

Maybe that was all. Maybe he just needed another layer of protection. But whether he had felt anything for her at first or not, he definitely did now.

Lucia was like the ocean.

Maybe he had been looking for the wrong thing this whole time.


	5. Chapter 5

Sometimes want settles on your skin.

Sometimes it goes down to your bones. It’s a deep aching feeling. But that’s not always worse. Because when it’s just there on the surface, it’s like a terrible itch. And no matter what you do you can’t scratch it, especially when you can’t do the one fucking thing that you know would make it better.

He thought he was okay, being away from Carlito for so long. He thought it had gone away. But Lucia was such an aching that he just couldn’t feel anything else.

And then he saw him and he could feel it right away. The thing he couldn’t scratch. The way Carlito’s eyes looked when he said he thought he’d never see him again… Johnny knew he had feelings but he didn’t know they were like that.  

He couldn’t have anticipated what knowing would do to him.

He wanted to grab Carlito’s face and kiss him again. He wanted to not say no. He had so many excuses: Carlos, Lucia, the job… they won out but he wished they didn’t have to.

Carlito might not be afraid, but Johnny was.

That would probably end up saving his life, but for now it was making it hell.


	6. Chapter 6

_Shit. This couldn’t be happening._

_This couldn’t be real. Briggs wouldn’t… but of course he would._

_Johnny just had to accept the fact that Briggs not wanting him had nothing to do with the job. Charlie being in the past was just because they called it off, not because he decided to follow some arbitrary “no love in Graceland” rule._

_Briggs could be with anyone he wanted to be with, and clearly he did want to be with someone. It just wasn’t Johnny._

_So no matter how many times Briggs touched him, or called him a nickname, or laughed at something he said, or looked at him with his signature deep, penetrating stare, it didn’t mean anything. Or at least it didn’t mean what Johnny wanted it to mean._

_But he couldn’t listen. He shouldn’t have to. It wasn’t part of his job and it wasn’t fair of Briggs to make him… except Briggs didn’t know._

_And he would never know. Johnny had to make sure of that._


End file.
